Here lies the longest post I've ever written. And there's no pictures. I'm sorry, or you're welcome, whichever way you feel about it. :)
As I sit
down to write this, I am not sure what exactly I am going to say, or why I
finally feel the need to say it out loud, but I feel like there is a lot
bottled up inside of me and the past few months it’s building. I’m ready to purge, to put it all out there
and say, I’m not perfect. I’m so very,
very far from being the person I want to be, and half the time I feel like I am
crawling in the wrong direction. I feel
like often times “secrets” or things that we are insecure (or even ashamed)
about get pushed down, sent away to a dark corner, hoping to be over-looked or
forgotten about. The problem is that
this is the environment in which they thrive. Hiding your hurt only intensifies it. Insecurities grow
in the dark and only become bigger and bigger, but when exposed to the light of
truth, they shrink. You are only as unhappy as your secrets let you be.
Now at this
point, after a lead in like that, I am sure that you are all expecting me to
say something devastating or dramatic like, “I’m a natural blonde”. But there is no big revelation here. (Sorry,
I know it would be really juicy to be hiding a secret family somewhere or to
admit I was once a man) But my secrets
are mundane. Common, typical, and too
uninteresting to shed any light on. Or
at least that’s how I feel. Part of me
feels like there HAS to be lots of other moms out there who feel just like me,
but for some reason it seems like those of us who are stay at home moms are
either talking about how much they LOVE their life as a SAHM
(stay-at-home-mom), or else they aren’t talking.
I want to be
completely honest here, a lot of the time I feel like a big part of me is not fulfilled. “Now let me be clear” (said in my serious
Obama voice), I choose to stay at
home with my young children. I would
make that choice again and again. That
is a very personal choice for me. My mom
didn’t have that choice, as a single mom, and when I pause to think about the
blessing it is to be so involved with my children I am overwhelmingly grateful
for the opportunities I have.
I also
understand that no matter how great your life is, there will always be times
and seasons during which you feel unfulfilled on at least some level. We don’t get all our blessings at once, and I
don’t expect it to be any different. I
am often told (as I am sure all of you are) that to everything there is a
season, and that life passes too quickly.
In fact I tell myself these
things. Often. I tell myself to enjoy the season, and a lot
of the time, I do.
But a lot of
the time, it is hard.
I know in my
heart that the work I am doing with my children in my home will have lasting
effects, possibly for generations. I am
building my kid’s foundation that they will draw on the rest of their
lives. I am helping shape their view of
themselves, the world, manners, kindness, justice, spirituality, and doing my
best to help them develop a good work ethic, sense of humor, and desire to be
kind and charitable. But when the floor
you just spent 20 minutes mopping, while holding a crying baby in one arm and
trying to manipulate the mop with the other gets peed all over, by your child
who has been potty trained for a year and a half, it feels like everything you
spend your time/energy on is only temporary.
Last weekend I did 9 loads of laundry, including washing everyone’s
bedding (for no reason! Just to keep them clean…I will admit that more often
than not, sheets in our house are washed because they are dirty, not because we
are making sure they never get dirty), I put clean sheets, and blankets on all
the beds, I worked hard to fold and put away laundry. That night we had 2 of our 3 kids pee the
bed. It seems like so much of the time
when I put a lot of effort into something, it must go bad. Immediately.
Oh, you planned a fun day trip and told the kids about it the night
before? Someone will wake up
puking. You actually washed the
baseboards and walls? The 2 year old
will throw her spaghetti. You spent
hours making a princess dress? It will
be ripped and thrown under the bed. You
made a nutritious meal from scratch? At least one child will cry that they want
a hot dog or cereal instead.
This is just
life. It’s normal, and I accept it. But sometimes it gets me down. When your weekly “to-do” lists stay the same
and are filled with things like wash towels, vacuum & mop, grocery shop,
and your days revolve around 3 meals + 2 snacks, dishes, never-ending-cycle of
toy pickup, reminding kids to use the bathroom, brush their teeth, and say “thank
you”, the monotony of life can become overwhelming. I remember life before becoming a SAHM, waking
up each day curious. The day was filled
with possibilities. How would rehearsal
or practice go? What would your friends
or coworkers talk about? Would something
new or exciting happen?
Now, I am in
complete control. Nothing happens that I
don’t schedule. And not much that I am
in charge of could be labeled new or exciting.
I pay bills, schedule Dr. appointments and play dates, decide whether or
not to go to the store or procrastinate.
Don’t get me wrong, I do get a sense of satisfaction when my house is
clean, and functioning at its peak. I do
get a sense of accomplishment when a day is spent with no TV, but with a couch
fort, cookies, and lots of giggles. My
heart warms when I see my children sleeping peacefully, and a lot of the time I
love to read them books and singing them to sleep.
But, in
keeping with honesty, a lot of the time when they bring me a book my first
thought isn’t, “I’m so glad that my children want me to read to them”. It’s a wave of impatience. Of course much of the time it’s because a
book is being shoved under my nose while I am sitting on the toilet, or on the
phone with the gas company, or in the middle of typing this blog. When my kids burst into my room at 6am I most
often feel, in the place of what was once curiosity and anticipation for the
day, a sense of exhaustion and a deep, deep desire to sleep a little
longer.
Some days
are dreadful, and some days are picture perfect. We do fun things, not because I feel
pressured to do fun things, or because I am going through the motions of what a
fun, involved mom should do, but because I am just having fun with my
children. I am enjoying being around
them. They make me laugh and surprise me
and make me proud to be their mother. Those
days are wonderful, but most days are a mixture of good and bad, a mixture of
beautiful moments and struggles of will.
Much of the time the fun project we are doing is not being done because
I am so excited to do it, but because I know the kids have already watched too
much TV today, and I should provide them with something creative and
stimulating.
I am a
selfish person. I have always known that
about myself, and since I was about 18 or so I have been earnestly trying to be
less so. It’s in my nature to be
self-centered and to want to have fun. That’s
part of who I am and I think that most people who know me have accepted that
and even, dare I say, enjoy it. I have
learned though, over the last decade, how to see the needs of others. Being self-centered by nature doesn’t mean
that you don’t care about other people, it just means that it is hard to see
outside of yourself. I feel like I have
grown immeasurably in this regard since getting married 8 ½ years ago. But I am still growing. I am still struggling to find fulfillment and
consistent joy in making my
children happy.
Maybe it’s
hard for me because I grew up on the stage.
In the world of theatre your actions are noticed, your hard work and
talents are praised and recognized. I
was spoiled enough to find something that I was deeply passionate about at a
young age and I was able to spend almost 2 decades doing something I loved and
something that I was “known” for. It was
challenging and exciting and immediately gratifying. It was (and is) a huge part of who I am. And as everyone knows motherhood is
underappreciated, I have worked much, much harder as a SAHM than I ever did as
an employee or student, and with much, much
less encouragement, incentive, and recognition.
But maybe it’s
not harder for me than anyone else.
Maybe it’s hard for everyone and I just don’t know it.
At times I
have felt like maybe it’s just not in my nature to be a good mother. Maybe I’m too selfish. Maybe I’d be happier doing something that
stimulated me creatively. Maybe I am not
cut out for this. In the darkest moments
I have questioned to what benefit I am doing all this work that seems to be
futile.
But deep
down, I don’t believe that. Deep down I
believe that all of us (male or female) have the ability to be good, selfless,
mothers. Parts of motherhood may be
easier for some than others, but I believe that we all have a deep, deep reservoir
of beautiful, charitable, kind, gentle, humble, genuine, motherly love inside us. We
just aren’t used to using it, and some of the time, we might not even be sure
how to access it. It’s like trying to just
wiggle your ring finger, while all of your other fingers are balled into a
fist. It feels strange and difficult and
it’s hard to do it for a length of time.
But as unnatural as it might feel, that finger is part of your
body. Those muscles belong to you. They might not be used to being isolated and
thrust into use, but if you decided to make them agile and strong, they would eventually
become such.
The struggle
for me is learning how to make my motherhood muscle strong and agile without
exhausting it. And even beyond that,
sometimes it’s a struggle to even want to exercise it, to find the motivation
to shed my pride and vanity and laziness and selfishness that hold me back.
I know it’s
there, inside me, but I get in my own way.
That’s my
secret.
I am afraid
to completely lose myself to motherhood.
I want to hold onto myself, my passions, my interests, my connection to
other adults, things that I feel make me as an individual-outside of my family-who
I am, and I also want to be a devoted, enthusiastic mother, but I don’t know
how to find the perfect balance.
I sometimes
put so much enthusiasm into a burst of “motherhood energy”, that at the end of
the day if the kids are grouchy and unappreciative it leaves me feeling even
more depleted, finding less joy in
the journey of motherhood instead of more.
I’m sure we’ve all been in that situation, where something is built up
and expectations are unrealistic, if not for the over-expectation, the pressure
to enjoy; the experience probably would have been more enjoyable. I want my kids to have fond memories of their
childhood, but often times the “memory makers” are so much stress/work. Do all moms secretly harbor apathy toward big
fun memories that kids enjoyed, because it was so much work to coordinate, or
is it simply me not taking the time to stop and enjoy it?
This is why
I am not on Pintrest. I feel like I don’t
need to see all the extra work on display, don’t need any extra pressure to
make over-the-top memories. I struggle
to do all the wonderful, positive things I already know I should be doing, I
don’t need a million other things I’ve never even thought of rolling around in
my head! I know for a lot of people it's a great way for them to explore their creativity, and if I gave it a try I am sure there would be lots of things to benefit. But I also know people who have turned it into a competition of parenting one-upman-ship. And that's something that just seems exhausting and awful. It seems like the internet is flooded with the highlights of parenting always, which is great to see and a good pick me up, motivation to do better. But when my girls become mothers and eventually look back on this blog with new perspective, I want them to see the truth of motherhood, the struggles as well as the highlights. I want them to know that it wasn't easy to learn to be a good mother, and that that is OK. It's OK that it's not fun all the time, or that you feel like you are drowning and losing yourself. It's OK. You can make it through and learn and grow in ways you never would be able to otherwise. That's part of the plan.
So I guess I
am saying that being a good mom is hard.
For reasons that I didn’t expect.
After 6
years of parenting, I am still learning how to use my motherhood muscle, and I’m
trying to figure out how to exercise my motherhood muscle without completely
neglecting all my other muscles that I’ve spent the non-motherhood portion of
my life defining & strengthening.
Some days we don’t make it out of our PJ’s and bedtime can’t come
quickly enough. Some days I sit and
spend sweet moments with my children and am completely filled with pure joy.
I’m trying
to figure out a way to experience more of the joy, and less of the stress,
selfishness, and exhaustion. Sometimes I
feel like the more I try the less patience I have and I end up worse off, but I’m
not going to stop trying.
The past few
weeks I’ve been waking up each morning dedicated to doing one service for each
of my family members. One kind thing,
with no expectation of recognition or thanks, just something that I know will
make them happy. Something for Matt
(which usually ends up being having dinner ready for him, or a clean kitchen,
or something similar, nothing major going on, just something I know will make
his day seem better), and something for each of the girls. Doing this, and knowing that I am doing it
with no motivation other than to improve the lives of the people I love has
helped me find joy on my journey.
What has
helped you find joy in your journey? (Seriously. I’m looking for suggestions.)
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