Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I am SO over March...so why isn't March over??

WARNING: I AM GRUMPY & TIRED...SO...sorry about that
this is definitly in the "ugly but honest" journal categories 

When we left Thatcher on the 3rd of March Lily was just getting a nasty cold (if you live in AZ, you or someone in your family probably had it this month), well she got it and then so did I, and then so did Isabel.  So we had about 2.5 weeks of "the cold".  Then just as Lily was getting over it, her fever spiked up again and she was REALLY grumpy, although she was no longer coughing and her nose wasn't really running much either.  I wasn't sure what was up with her, she had never had an ear infection before and when I was asking her, she kept saying that her ears didn't hurt, but lo and behold she DID have one.  Not really suprising with the HUGE amounts of "drainage", which is my nice way of saying snot out the wazoo, that we all had with this cold.  So 2 days after the fever spike she has her 3 year "well-check" and thats when the doc confirms that it is indeed an ear infection and writes her a script.  About a week later the same thing happens to Izzie, with the fever coming back and the misery, after a day of this I asked my Brother in Law (he is a PA) to look at her ears, and she has an ear infection too.  So the next day we take her to the doc and she also gets a prescription for an ear infection.  That same day I woke up knowing I HAD to have a sinus and ear infection, I give it a day or 2 to be sure (WHY?? I am an idiot...I was just hoping it would go away), then go to the dr and get some antibiotics myself.  Izzie and I are just finishing them up this week. 
Matt has been busy with school and work.  He had his spring break last week, but between work and Dr appts, we didn't seen much of him.  We were planning on having a temple day and then spending the night with his sister in Chandler, but Matt found out the Sunday before that they had rescheduled a scout/young men's snow day activity for that day, so we cancelled it.  So the girls and I ended up seeing less of him during spring break than we usually do during a normal week.  That made me a little sad if I am being honest, but he had a good time in the snow, so I am glad.  He came back bruised and sunburned and worn out, which is how you SHOULD look if you are tubing right?  It was probably a good break for him to get out and do something fun outside away from his family, work and school responsibilities.

So that is March so far. And I am getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow, so I am sure that it is going to be a lovely rest of the month :)

Oh and Lily has regressed in her potty training after doing so well before she got sick, so that has caused some frustration for me, I am not gonna lie.

I have really been feeling pretty worn out and pushed to the limit the past few weeks.  I am starting to feel pretty inadequate when it comes to being able to "do it all".  Do you ever feel that way?  Trying to be a good wife and mother (which is a lot of work, some days it is quite a battle to even attempt to be the kind of mom I wish I was), trying to be a good person, fufill my household, personal, church, and family/friend responsibilities.  It just seems like a lot sometimes.  Plus I miss my best friend.  Alot.  This whole Matt being unavailable 80% of the time and us both being tired and worn out thing, is rough on me.  Especially this month with me being sick and taking care of sick kids, it has been rough.  Most of the time I truly feel like a single parent and that is hard.  I see other people who have SUPER busy husbands and more kids than I do and I just don't know how they do it.  I am overwhelmed.  And lonely.

And I am eating my stress.  Yeah...I gained 5 lbs this month.  I keep resolving not to eat junk, and then I just give up an hour later.  I know in my MIND that if I was eating better and excercising I would probably feel better, and lets face it, excercise is a much healthier stress release than a cheeseburger and onion rings.  Back before I had kids when I felt overwhelmed I would run a couple of miles and feel in control and then feel better.  Running felt good.  Now I am so out of shape that running just hurts, so I feel down and decide to just give up and eat something (usually when I am exhausted at 8pm and the kids are finally sleeping and I am alone and worn out).  Not a good cycle right? 

Maybe having to get my wisdom teeth out won't be such a bad thing.  Maybe not being able to eat junk for a couple weeks will help me break some of these bad habits.

Anyway, I know I should stop complaining.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  2 beautiful kids.  A place to live, the ability to buy a cheeseburger when I feel like it.  The opportunity for Matt to go to school and pursue a career he is interested in.  His job.  Our extended family & friends.  Our church responsibilities that give us purpose and bless our lives.  Not to mention, the gospel of Jesus Christ.  The forgiveness I can recieve on all those days when I fall desperately short.  The peace and light and joy it brings.  That is the greatest blessing of all.

It's just hard to remember that sometimes, when you feel sick and are running off 5 hours sleep and cleaning up "potty accidents", trying to keep your 1 year old out of it (who is crying and sick and miserable climbing all over you), while your 3 year old stands in the corner screaming and crying, and you haven't had more than a 5 minute conversation with your husband in a week.  Ah, the glamourous life I lead  :)

****BUT on a truly glamourous and happier note, I am going to have a birthday party in April.  I haven't had a birthday party in years and years.  In fact I don't even remember??  My fabulous friends Lisa and Sara, from our fabulous ward suggested I have one, at first I said no, but then I thought about it, and why not??  Nobody has to bring presents or anything, but it seems like a good excuse as any to have a party and get together with friends.  It's a theme party (because we are fabulous) a, like, totally righteous, 1980's dance party.  It's going to be awesome dudes.  I am just worried that I will forget to invite people who might want to come...so if you read this and would want to come let me know and I'll add you to the list :) ****


Heather said...

Agreed - March can suck it.

Although I can't relate to the specific occurrences that are causing you to feel down, I most definitely relate to the feelings you're having. The feeling that you're gonna lose it, the knowing that so many people have it worse and you have much for which to be grateful, oh, and the eating stress thing - 10 lbs in the last 3 months for me. (Yaaaaay.) I even stayed home from work today because I knew I was going to break if I didn't just take a breather.

I've been thinking of you a lot lately, feeling like perhaps you're struggling, too. At the times when I have felt awfully low, I've often thought of you and hoped that you are feeling better than me. You are loved, Missy, and don't you forget it.

Anyway, I miss you and I relate. I wish I had the funds to come help you out with your kids for a week or so and give you some company. I think it'd probably do us both some good. Here's to growing and getting out of our experiences whatever it is the Lord is intending!

Katie said...

Totally know how you feel! It's hard being a mom especially when you feel like crap and can barely take care of yourself let alone two other kiddos.
Keep focusing on your blessings. And you deserve a kick-a awesome birthday party!!!

Charlie said...

Great post! While it's always good to focus on your blessings, it's also good to vent and realize that life isn't perfect, nobody's perfect, and sometimes, things just suck. Especially when your whole family's sick and you miss your husband and your 3-year-old is regressing in her potty training.

I think it's important to be honest about your feelings, and those negative feelings you apologized for in your blog are totally legitimate. Anyone who hasn't had them is a freaking liar. It is possible to feel miserable/frustrated/fed up and still be an amazing mom (which you are). Anyone who hasn't struggled with these feelings is on one of three things: 1) the pages of a book of fairy tales, 2) a steady dose of psychotropic drugs that make it impossible for him/her to feel ANYTHING, or 3) crack/cocaine.

And if you need a light at the end of the tunnel, I have one acronym and two words for you: SNL Betty White. I hope you're recovering from your dental surgery! And if you're not, well, there's always crack/cocaine. It worked for Whitney.

Jewel said...

I hate March, too. The only good thing about it is spring break.

I can totally relate to the feelings you're having, as well...yikes. It gets so hard sometimes, doesn't it? And then you try to put forth the effort to do something nice, and that doesn't work...sigh. If it makes you feel any better, I think you're amazing.

And I want to come to your birthday party!! I don't know if I will be able to, but I want to!! When is it? :)