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And the floods came up!
At least that is how it feels sometimes.
Things have, as seems to be par for the course lately, been crazy. Between Matt being in school, working, serving in YM, and me doing my church calling which have been extra time consuming the past couple of weeks, going to Dr appointments and being a mom, there seems to have been just a lot, of out of the ordinary "extra stuff" thrown on our plate.
I have decided that the reason I have two church callings this summer (in addition to VTing 4 ladies) is that the Lord knew that I was REALLY going to need extra blessings this summer. Seriously. This summer has been emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausting. My faith and personal testimony have not been tested and/or harder for me to sustain than this, in a long time. Probably since before I got married, when I was deciding whether or not to come back to church I think. But I am holding strong and clinging to the things that have brought me so much joy and happiness. I tend to be one of those people who when things are going well in my life, I have no problem reading my scriptures everyday and praying, being grateful for what I have and trying to keep the spirit near. But when times get rough my heart hardens and in order to cope with emotional stress I just "shut down" and push through the hard times. I've been like that since I was a kid, and I think that it is the only way I have survived some things. I am grateful for the ability I have to become an emotional robot, but it does not lend itself well to feeling the soft feelings of the spirit. I guess that when I am feeling the spirit and going throughout these experiences, I become so humble (ok that sounds wrong, but don't take it that way) and vulnerable that even though the spirit comforts and strengthens me, tears are only a breath away, and it is really hard for me to exist in such an emotional state. It is easier for me to turn off, but doesn't do much for my spirituality. My BFF Heather who I have known all my life, gave me a framed saying for my B-day a few years back that I always keep up, it says "Prayer" as the big background and it front it says "when life gets too hard to stand, kneel", she gave it to me because of my tendency to turn my spiritual side off and not turn to the Lord in my times of need. And I keep it up in an attempt to remind myself to be humble. Anyway, I have gone back and forth the past couple of months between being a robot who is just trying to survive and really feeling the Lord's love and support (and thus being a total basket case...most of the time).
This past weekend we had our ward campout. It went well. It was actually alot of stress with some "behind the scenes" drama, but it all worked out and it seemed like people had a good time. Our bishopric and stake presidency were AWESOME participators in our events on Saturday. Things ran smoothly and honestly I am just glad that it is over.
The same day as our campout we drove to Sierra Vista for my friend Kameron's funeral. It made for alot of driving on Friday (over 9 hours), getting up really early (in the fours) and exhaustion, but I am SO glad that I went. I needed to be there for ME. To pay tribute and show my gratitude for the friendship Kam always gave me. My wonderful sis in law Heather (a different heather) offered to take the girls for Friday and keep them until we got home from the campout on Sat, which was wonderful. The driving on Friday would have been too much for them (and us!). So we spent our first night away from the kids (EVER) together in a tent surrounded by members of our ward and physically and emotionally exhausted! :)
I am going to post a tribute to Kam at the end of this post.
So last week I saw the Endocrinologist and she went over some of my numbers and test results, changed some of the doses of the meds I am taking and, what a surprise, ordered more tests! One of them requires some radiation and then a scan, which means that I will not be able to interact with my kids for a day or so, but it is better than the other radiation thing she wanted to do that would mean I couldn't be around my kiddos AT ALL for 10 days. I didn't think I could hack that so we are compromising. Anyway, I am hopeful that I will be able to get all this junk figured out and be feeling better soon :) Tomorrow I am going back to see the Gastroentologist and get a colonoscopy. It is my second one and I feel like it is unnecessary, but what do I know? I am also hoping to only have a few more weeks of physical therapy and I am hoping that after I follow up (again) with my primary care in a week, my number of appointments per week will go down considerably.
I also started a new diet this week, no carbs, no sugar, really restricted calorie intake. We'll see how it goes. I am learning how much I really enjoy eating. I have to keep reminding myself, being skinny feels better that "_____" tastes. But its hard, I aint gonna lie!
Anyway, at a glance this post looks pretty "whiny" and pessimistic. Sorry about that. It is not really true! :) I am actually feeling pretty optimistic. Really tired, I guess that is where the whine comes from, but I really do love my life. I pretty much have the best husband and kids EVER. Things are good and it is abundantly clear to me that this rough patch it temporary, it always seems to come in little bursts of hardship followed by nice long years of peaceful bliss. I am really proud of Matt for being diligent with his online stuff and for doing so well. It makes me SO happy to see him motivated with school. He is the best friend a girl could have. Lily is getting smarter and more well spoken everyday. She is also CONSTANTLY singing songs, and I LOVE it. She starts gymnastics next week and she is almost as excited as I am. Isabel is CRAWLING all over the place. I officially have to keep the bathroom door shut. It is out of control! She'll be 8 months tomorrow and I think it has been the fastest 8 months of my life! She continues to be a joy to be around and I am so grateful for her in our family!
Ok I posted the above picture because it makes me smile, her hair is TOTALLY from "The Saint", when Val K is the character that says "You don't believe in all this cold fusion mumbo jumbo do ya?"
It seems like there was more that I was going to post about, but the starvation (I can't eat today or until after my procedure mid morning tomorrow) is making me lose my focus! So I'll end with my feelings about Kam.
I first started spending time with Kameron in the summer of 2003. At EAC, the number of college kids decreases significantly in the summer time. The singles wards go from 3-4 down to one. Kameron and his house of 6 boys were definitely the largest congregation of boys in one place and that summer his house of roommates and my house spent ALOT of time together. We practically lived with those boys. They were all great guys and Kam was no exception. Kam dated my roommate and BF, so we saw alot of him. Although Kam was dating my roommate he was always exceptionally kind to me and really was just a great, happy, outgoing friend to have. He was the Elders Quorum president and was always visiting everyone and planning super fun activities. In regular life he was also always planning get togethers and making meals to invite us to. One time everyone was going out to a party, when my roommates showed up without me Kam and his roomie asked why I didn't come and my roommates informed them that I had stayed home because I was feeling pretty sick Kam and the other roommate immediately left to make me a "get well" basket, which was a grocery bag full of stuff from their house that they were sure would make me feel better. It even included a spoon to eat the can soup with. There were some practical items and some funny items and they were all labeled with sticky notes. It was great. They brought it over and gave it to me before returning to the get together. It made me feel really special and definitely cheered me up, since I was stuck home sick. The first time that Kam met my mom it was because he volunteered to help me move her furniture. We were all going to a concert at the park and I said that I would be a little late, because I was stopping off at my mom's to help her move some of her heavy office furniture. Kam immediately volunteered himself (and another roommate) to come and help. that is just the kind of guy he was. Always thinking about other people and always wanting to make sure that everyone was having a good time. He was born in Hawaii and definetly always carried with him the laid fun loving back Hawaiian style. I was definitely aware of the fact that he was NOT perfect, but that never affected our friendship. He was probably even MORE aware of the fact that I was not perfect, and that never affected our relationship. During that year at EA, I felt really judged by alot of the guys I spent time with. for the most part I felt like the LDS guys fell into 3 categories
1) guys who judged me because of my inactivity of the church and thus were NOT my friends
2) guys who decided to make me their "missionary project" and were my "friend" solely for that purpose
3) guys who were interested in me and so they wanted to get me active in the church
Kam was an exception to that rule. With Kam I felt like whether or not I was a mormon meant nothing to him. He lived his testimony and shared it because he believed it was true and because living the gospel brought him much peace and happiness. He shared that because he loved it and lived it and it was who he was. But I never felt like he was judging me. I only felt like he was loving me and not pushing anything on me. At a time in my life when I needed it the most Kam was a good example to me. I always felt comfortable around him. He was easy to love and he loved easily. There haven't been that many guys in my life who I have had a natural and easy friendship with, without any stings attached with any other feelings. But Kam was one of those guys. Just being his friend was easy. I will ALWAYS appreciate his example. That summer, was an amazing time in my life and some of the most fun I have ever had. He and his wife Jami (also from EA she came in Jan of '04), were married in 2004, just like Matt and I and their son Kason is only a few weeks older than Lily. When I look at them I see alot of similarities of Matt and myself. Which has made his death even harder for me. Kameron was a good man, who desperately loved his wife and son and who also loved the lord. I have no doubt that he is at peace.
His funeral was the 3rd that I attended in less than 3 months. It has truly been a heartbreaking summer for us. All 3 of our friends and family lost, I feel certain are in a better place and are happy. But I truly feel like the world is worse off without them.
My girls also needing a good night's sleep
Our Patriotic Family
My sweet girls!
With Lily
With Izzie
